There are few things that I regret about packing in my single-gal life in exchange for the Boy, in fact some surmise that had it not been for his finally reining me in I would have whittled away my bedposts to nothing if my notch-rate had remained what is was, so it was certainly for the best if I wanted to sleep well for the rest of my life.
In that same vein, the least of my regrets is the experience of having to deal with the remnants of a good night out. During my misspent youth I remember waking many a time in the cold morning light and facing the reality that, yes, there was a man i
n my bed and no, he didn't appear to be making his goodbyes anytime soon. P
erhaps it is a sad fact that I had only just embarked on floozing my way through the male population, when I realised that there was very clear one - night stand etiquette. Since there is no book on such etiquette, I will briefly outline it here:
1) Perhaps the most important aspect of a one-night stand is the part where you leave. Or they leave, which ever is convenient. The service that you receive from a one-night stand should be similar to that of a call-girl or boy, but for the price of a drink and a taxi-ride home.
If I had wanted the boyfriend experience (that of being spooned all night), believe me I would have already had one.
Ideally, before the sweat has even dried on your body, your clothes should be on and you should be making your excuses. I have been more than willing, in the past, to subsidise taxi rides home but waiting until the morning to ask sheepishly where the bus-stop is and expecting me to count out your fifty pence pieces to ensure that you get home alright is beyond the pale, and besides, it makes me feel like your mother especially if I picked you up at Corp and you are still in school uniform.
There are exceptions to the rule: if the person is your friend; you actually want them to become your significant other; or you are so drunk you can't remember where you live you may, of course, stay over. If, however, you only learnt the person's name in the taxi then don't kid yourself that you really 'connected'. Bumping uglies is not the most appropriate way of starting a relationship.
2) Be honest about how much you have drunk. If you are not going to be able to perform, whether you are a girl or a boy, let the other person know and bow out gracefully before you embarrass yourself. No-one wants to get home only to find that they have to first administer to a drunkard before heading back out into the night so that they can achieve satisfaction.
3) In the same way, it is advisable to be honest about one's sexual experience. If you are a virgin throwing caution to the wind, open up (in more ways then one), and don't think that you can ad-lib your way through the night. The slight wince or brevity of action is a dead give-away. Equally, be open-minded but cautious about sharing some of your more arcane pleasures. Just because someone is willing to f**k after five minutes doesn't mean they don't draw the line somewhere and it's usually before double penetration.
4) Only swap numbers if it has been a truly explosive night. If they are that great in bed it would be foolish to lose contact too quickly; they could come in handy in a moment of dire sexual need. But, for those people who you didn't connect so well with, save yourself some difficult texts later and simply say 'Darling, I believe they call this a one-night stand. Clue's in the title. Let's just leave this as a brief encounter. Ciao', and saunter out the door before scarpering as quickly as you possibly can.
5) False names are fun. The more foolish the better. Try to see what you can get away with.
Happy hunting, boys and girls!!!
This story is from the University of Sheffield's student paper, the Steel Press. Visit their webpage for more stories.The full article contains 735 words and appears in n/a newspaper.
