Column: Celebrity couple hit a new rock ‘bottom’

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I’d never usually write about Kanye West or Kim Kardashian because they are one of the most annoying ‘celebrity’ couples on the planet. Famous for rubbish songs (him) and her having a big bum, it seems everything they do further increases their profiles and their bank balance.

For example, last week we were ‘treated’ to pictures of Kim and her lumpy rear, cut in two by a thong made of steel, not Lycra. But the cheese wire knickers, cottage cheese bottom, and half naked body weren’t accidental. No, not at all. You see, Kim is busy trying to flog an ash or ass tray (geddit?). At $35 (£27) it's been modelled on her massive, and quite frankly, horribly deformed backside. She’s also in the business of trying to shift a few pool floats designed around her ample derriere. At a whopping $98 (an eye-watering £76 to me and you) the Kimoji butt pool float has proved so popular that her merchandise website has been taking pre-orders ... for June! However, business must be a bit slow because she was photographed on the beach with a few triangles (think Dairylea wrappers) struggling to contain her bits. Listen love, you’re a mum-of-two for heaven’s sake. Put it away! You might think everyone wants to be treated to a peek of your dimpled derriere, but I don’t. It seems I’m not alone because there’s been backlash since the unflattering pictures of her less than perfect posterior emerged. HRH the Instagram queen, who boasts over 100 million followers (get a life, people), has lost 100,000 followers since the paparazzi snaps were published. Let’s just say Photoshopping seems to be Kim’s best friend. Gravity and cellulite gets us all in the end, from skinny Minnies to gym bunnies. Besides, if my backside was the size of a small country I’d be at the doctor, not flaunting it in a pair of string pants to all and sundry. But that’s not all. Scared he’s missing out, Kim’s husband Kayne has designed some horrible trainers that look like bits of duvet and a tea towel sewn together. Even sadder are his ‘fans’ who queued up, some for up to a week, outside a store in Nottingham to try and get their hands on a pair of Yeezy Boost 350 V2 (catchy name, btw). At £150 each, the Adidas duvets-for-feet are not only horrible, but horribly expensive. I despair, I really do. If people are silly enough not only to worship this pointless celeb couple, but to throw money at them, then there is no hope.

If my backside was the size of a small country I’d be at the doctor, not flaunting it.